Thursday, November 24, 2005

A Good Husband, He Is Not!

Occasionally I enjoy sitting down with my Sumateran maid and listen to her gossip about her family back home. She's from Padang and I would say not from a poor family. She doesn't have to work if she wants to. That explains why my maid can be a bit high and mighty at times, acting like she's the boss. She came here many years ago to visit her sister who is married to a local in Dengkil, Bangi. I am not sure what exactly transpired but she later decided to work. As she has no formal education, becoming a house-helper was the best option. After working in several households, she landed in mine when Aliah, my 14 year old daughter was 4 mths old. That explains why Aliah is so attached to her and she to Aliah. Their relationship I shall not delve now as it summons a complete whole entry.

So it was during lunch few days ago that my maid told me the sad story of her niece in Dengkil, who got married more than a year ago, to the same guy whom she got engaged, broke off and reconciliated. He was a low-ranked army personel. She, holding a diploma, works initially at KLIA as ticketting clerk, later switching jobs from a firm to another. Thus, she managed to save some money to get herself a car and what nots. Their marriage was done in a rush and never approved by her mother (my maid's sister). After some misunderstanding (between the niece's husband and my maid's sister), they left the house and lived at her grandma's nearby.

Gradually, the husband showed his true colour. He now, controls her car, sending her to work and at other times asking her to take the bus whilst he uses her car full time, guiltlessly! They lodge at her grandma's without paying any pittance, not even for provisions. Since, the grandma has old issues with the girl's mother, the guy takes the opportunity to vilify his mother in law even more! He even forbids her from visiting her parents and if she defies, he'll give her hell of a time. On the times that she is back home at her mother's she'd gorge her food down as though she hasn't had any meals for months. She would also requests her youger sister (who has done well in studies and just started work as an engineer) to buy her favorite fast food (McDs and such) which she used to enjoy prior marriage. This really breaks her mother's heart! And now, unfortunately (as I see it) she is a few months pregnant! During raya she secretly went back to her mom's only to get some severe tongue lashing from him! Masyallah! Worst still, the latest I heard, she has pawned all her jewelleries, on his insistence.

It's truly mind-boggling to think that a man can shamelessly behave in this unbecoming manner! When a girl marries, she dreams of being protected by the man whom she calls husband. She dreams of a life being provided for. If he is rich, he'll shower her with wealth. If not, he'll do his best to make her comfortable. But when a man marries to only make the wife miserable and having the nerve to even take her belongings from her......now that is blatant wife-abuse!

Even as I sat listening to my maid narrate this sad, sorry, story, I was huffing and puffing, interjecting off and on, "eh, dahsyat nya!", "jahat punya laki!", "tak guna!","mintak cerai je la!". And mind you, my maid is no story-teller. But her facial expressions, her angry tones and palpable angst were enough for me to conclude that this was a marriage not meant-to-be! Suffice to say, after hearing it I was ready to clobber the guy on his head if I had the opportunity to be near him!

Haven't we heard enough of such stories where men abuse their wives mentally? How could these monsters walk around without any guilty conscience whatsoever? Don't they harbor the slighest emotions of pity towards their wives? Are they human in the first place?

Can a wife ask for 'fasaqh' in this sort of condition? I know, some would say that it's going to be difficult because he doesn't physically abuse her. But isn't this misery he had given her enough to grant one?

Being a doctor I am privy to many husband-wife tales which so often can be very repugnant and a bit hard to swallow. I have dealt with wives coming with bruises, hematomas and periorbital eodema, beaten severely by their husbands. Some would divulge with their marital problems, eventhough their initial complain was non-related. Recently I heard of a young wife whose husband wouldn't want to follow her back to her parents' place for her melenggang perut ceremony (she's pregnant with their first child) as it meant he had to spend raya there. So she had to hitch a ride in a friend's car. Imagine!

And for the umpteenth times, we've heard of men neglecting and even abusing their first wives the moment they are hooked with a second! Of course, I am not against polygamy. It's the men who practice it according to their whims and fancies that paint a bad name to it.

Each time I relate to iKelah, the misfortunes of my female patients and friends with regards to their abusive husbands, he would unfailingly point out that these are lessons from Allah swt for me. He would suggest that I 'muhassabah' myself and be grateful that I am being endowed with such a caring and thoughtful husband! (Ok, ok I get your point!)

My heart goes out for all the women who painfully suffer from abusive husbands.......

30 comments:

kenakelayan said...

ikelah: :P

drroza: rasanya boleh mintak fasakh tu. Unfortunately kan we have a lot of qadhis/religious officers who do not seem to have fear of Allah.

Em said...

I suppose Luv can make you blind to your partner's faults.Your maid's niece must luv her husband a great deal to put up with dat much.

And yes I agree with your husband to a point that sumtimes whateva we hear about certain situations we have to take dem as 'tauladan'.

Anyway dats my opinion...

Haslina said...

but dia kena abuse emotionally..that is another form of abuse yg lagi susah nak heal..anyway i hope u dun mind coz i have linked u up...

Tok Aki Anjang said...

Aki Anjang setuju benor dengan Ikelah tu. Anjang pun sama lar macam Ikelah tu, fengshui baguih angin molek, rupa jangan cakap lar memang penerang hati, perut pun pembuka selera. Muroh rezeki betul mak anjang deme dapat Anjang. Tu lar Anjang dok pesan, rezeki jangan lar kedekut. Elok lar kongsi kongsi dengan orang lain. Daripada duduk saja, dapat jugok pahala bonus payung emas ke menda.

easylady said...

Yes I agree what Ikelah said.We are being blessed to be given a good husband and father to our chilren.We have to be grateful for that.But sometimes in the marriage journey,we will be tested by Almighty.Both parties have to be very sincere and do not hide anything.If happens that one sense that there are some degree of deviation,quickly rectify it before its too late.Because the one who suffer the most are the children.For this case I have a friend who ask for fasakh when the husband choose to ignore her for more than 3 months.

dr in the house said...

Kenakelayan- Yes, sometimes I do get negative tales about these religious officers who are not 'women' friendly

Em- yes, I am forever being reminded that whatever comes my way are actually 'tests' for other people and for me to learn to better myself, insyallah

Haslina- definitely, emotional scar are even harder to erase! Nurelhuda would concur that!

Easylady-Thanks for the reminder. But what do u mean ignore for 3 mths? And why? Very sad.

Aki Andak said...

Anjang weii!!- Ler awok ni lagi mode2 dulu pon kalau cakap bab kawen ramai, awok ler jaguh nyer! Sokmo muji diri sendiri...betol ke Mak Anjang tu hepi? Entoh ke, menjerok ke diri....isk

Feng Shui pebendenya Anjang oii..Feng Shui tuh setahu koi untok letak perkakas ghomah ikut arus angin utara selatan..

Bab perot pembuke selera tuh koi setuju lar tapi bukok selera dema jeer bukan oghang lain..isk

nurul bahiyah said...

alamak...ni yang phobia ni... really, marriage is like a gamble.

Tok Aki Anjang said...

Mak Anjang tu memang lar hepi. Nok kata hepi 7/11 tu dok lar. Orang sewel je lar yang hepi 24 jam 7 hari seminggu. Tak de lar dia nak senyum bahagia kalau dah bior kawe nunggu sejam dalam kete bila nak keluar mana mana.
Fenshui tu Andak, macam macam. Setahu deme tak semana benorlar nampak gayanya. Awok tahu Datuk Francis tu nak bayar beribu ke p5 suruh dia duduk je bersila depan pejabat dia nak bagi tambah fengshui. Maklumlar p5 tu perut dia kusemangat prosperous.

cL said...

kwn my sister, sorg native beragama kristian. menikah to muslim guy, an army from west malaysia.she converted to muslim. kabernyer ada 2 anak.

few years later, husband kena hantar balik west malaysia and tinggalkan wife dia kat sini sbb rupa-rupanya dia ada wife jugak kat sana. early this year wife yg kat sini sakit dan koma for few months. si husband langsung tak datang jenguk.

yg saya terkilan sgt, bila wife dia meninggal, the remains was buried at Christian Cemetery by her family.

i put the blame on her husband!!!

halela said...

I heard too much of this wife-abuse thing, it just seems so unreal!

anggerik merah said...

My beloved friend had experience of being beaten my husband, but she love him no mattter what..which I could never understand.

pycnogenol said...

The man may not be a good husband, but drroza, you're definitely a good employer if you can keep a maid for 14 years....or is it because it is the other way around 'cos SHE is the boss?
So, what will that make you ??

easylady said...

The husband balik rumah but put on cold war never speak to her or touch her.Member ni anak orang kaya but has a kind heart.The husband was an ego person with narcissism personality.Cup..Cup.. Para suami yang rasa dia baik, jangan terlupa yang anda dijodohkan dengan isteri yang baik juga.Jagalah hati isteri.Dr Roza, this is only my humble opinion to remind myself too.

dr in the house said...

NB-don't be...this is not to scare you....insyallah lelaki yg baik untuk perempuan yg baik...jgn risau..doa banyak

aki anjang- Datuk Francis tak mintak khidmat aki? Mintak Aki duduk kat bumbung dia ke, supaya Feng Shui melimpah ruah!

CL-sedih cerita tu....ikhtibar untuk semua..ambil isteri/suami agama lain, kita mesti jaga jgn terjadi seperti cerita CL ni

Halela- dh siap semua barang nak berangkat? Take care!

Anggerik Merah- Another masochistic trait I suppose...suka dianiaya...

pycno- I give her a liberal amount of liberty to manage the kitchen and housework. So she feels comfortable. Glitches banyak but I close one eye so tak pening kepala sangat.She is not like the normal indon maids who does everything day and night non stop. She has enough time to rest, sleep and wtches tv as she pleases. She never washes the car like many maids I see. I wash the car myself.She cant stand the cats' poop, so iKelah washes the cages himself. All in all she's like a family member, only that she gets paid...heheh

easylady- sedihkan when a close friend has to face this predicament? Your humble opinion is welcomed here

devoleb said...

A wife sometimes fear of being alone more than being abused. That is why she remains with the husband despite his abusive behaviour. I know of a lady doctor who was married to a lawyer. Her husband abused her, mentally and emotionally, though not physically. They finally separated after having five children. The children were conceived during the "peace period" after a "war".

anggerik merah said...

DITH, sorry nak tumpang tanya kat devoled. Curious about what kind of mental and emotional?

devoleb said...

Anggerik merah - The kind of mental and emotional abuse inflicted on the wife are like getting scolded in front of guests, (like "bodoh, buat kerja macam tu.." and mind you she's a doctor and a good one at it too), money was never given for he believed that she's already earning enough. The kids were not his responsibility (from buying of books and clothes to taking to the barber for haircuts) The wife can very seldom go back to her parent's place (including for Hari Raya, mind you) and when she did, it would always be on her own. Because she had to do everything, understandably, she got very tired ( dah lah duduk makan hati berulam jantung) If the husband came home and saw the wife sleeping, there would surely be a big row.
Even the house rental and all the bills were paid by the wife. He saved all his money to buy property that would always be put in his name. Banyak lagi lah,tak tercerita....
In fact when they got divorced, friends and family members were happy and so much relieved for her.
She is now a happy single mother taking care of her successful children. She may be handling her family all by herself now, but wasnt that what she was doing all along???
May Allah bless you N.

dr in the house said...

Devoleb- sedih nya dengar cerita N...alhamdulillah she's happy now

anggerik merah said...

Yes, indeed very sad to hear such story. Glad to hear that at last she finally go on with the life that she deserve more..

ayumi_of_mirkwood said...

Assalamualaikum..
That's such a sad story.. very sickening to read it as well! What sort of 'man' he is? Though, I always wonder why most women, even when they are severely abused, refuse to walk out of the marriage.. Allah creates men to protect women, and some misuse their strength and power in such horrific ways..

Has said...

tapi kan, kita mungkin dapat lihat yang luaran jer, fikirlah isteri sabar macam tu (kalau betul2 sabar dan beriman la) apa ganjaran dia di kehidupan yang akan datang.

kita ni yang dok di bawah belian suami mithali, jangan pula kita dok kutip dosa, he he he, nanti kawan kita kat kehidupan lain dok kata kat kita pula, ksiannnnya dia....he he he,,,ingat ler kita ni dalam alam kedua, alam pertama dalam kandungan, kalau tak ingat cuba selak baju, tengok pusat tu,,,tu ingatan, parutnya di tinggalkan supaya manusia ingat dan berfikir, alam pertama singkatnya, yang kedua sekarang ni, lama sikit, tapi yang ketiga, panjangnya Masyaallah!, jangan pula masa tu dunia kita lebih dasyat dari kawan kita yang kena dera kat dunia ni.

ingat ler semua, dalam bahagia berumahtangga sekarang ni, kita mungkin mengutip dosa. saya ingatkan diri saya sendiri juga.

cerita yang saya tahu lagi ngeri, baru minggu lepas jumpa...tapi tak boleh share pula, confidential, tapi dasyat paling dasyat, however the husband died and now the wife yang penyabar, masih lagi sabar, sedang pulih dalam kesakitan fizikal dan ingatan silam yang dijadikan sempadan; saya yang menangis, sepatutnya saya ni dia punya terapis.

P5 said...

it is my wholesome opinion that those who are married to ikelah and his band of brothers are blessed. not only they get good looking husbands, but also perfect husband materials.

doth, you've been blessed with given the option to wash the car. ikelah didnt ask you to wash it yourself, but you made that choice. not many people are given that choice. i think tonight you should treat ikelah to a very special dinner.

for this advice, i'll send an invoice later-later. :)

Boogey said...

What can I cay? All too true lah what P5 said. I`m deeply touched by his open and honest view.
Perfect band of brothers for those who don`t mind the comics, airguns pc games and fireworks.

dr in the house said...

Ayumi- the fear of being alone is greater than being abused I guess

Has- I am fascinated by your comment- it has so much truth-I might just make another entry on it!

p5- as for your wholesome opinion I need to ponder and verify the facts- some of them might not have any truth in it! hahha..I will pay your advice in it's due time.

boogey- aiyya today you decide to concur with p5. Yesterday you baru kutuk dia perut boroi jadi fengshui Datuk francis Yeoh! P5 you better check on his previous comments!

Aki Anjang said...

Ish ish ish. Mana lar Aki kata perut dia boroi. Mana lar pulok Aki kutuk sapa sapa. Ni lar kalau cakap dengan orang tua tua. Kita cakap kita bertolak ke Jeddah dengan KT 82, dia faham permohonan dia kena tolak tak masuk kuota. Kita cakap bukan kena tolak pakcik, bertolak! Dia kecik hati pulak kata dia ni ikut giliran, tak de berebut ikut pintu belakang.
Sama lar ni. Prosperous lar. Barakah barakah. Makan apa pun semua jadi tubuh badan.

crimsonskye said...

And the children... I felt my heart breaking when I heard stories from my friends, when they tried to stop their fathers from hitting their mothers...

I feel like you drroza, if I could have these kind of men within my grasp, I'd bang them and show them how their wives felt!

Nurelhuda said...

My friend is in ICu with pulmonary embolism, it developed suddenly after a very stressful few days..and is secondary to her Ca. She is a specialist herself . On Sunday she called to ask me if I agreed stress could cause cancer. She was just operated on for Ca ovary . Knowing her problems with her beloved other half , I knew why she asked. She calls her husband malaikat tak ada hati perut.He is a good man , indeed he is....

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