A Good Husband, He Is Not!

Occasionally I enjoy sitting down with my Sumateran maid and listen to her gossip about her family back home. She's from Padang and I would say not from a poor family. She doesn't have to work if she wants to. That explains why my maid can be a bit high and mighty at times, acting like she's the boss. She came here many years ago to visit her sister who is married to a local in Dengkil, Bangi. I am not sure what exactly transpired but she later decided to work. As she has no formal education, becoming a house-helper was the best option. After working in several households, she landed in mine when Aliah, my 14 year old daughter was 4 mths old. That explains why Aliah is so attached to her and she to Aliah. Their relationship I shall not delve now as it summons a complete whole entry.

So it was during lunch few days ago that my maid told me the sad story of her niece in Dengkil, who got married more than a year ago, to the same guy whom she got engaged, broke off and reconciliated. He was a low-ranked army personel. She, holding a diploma, works initially at KLIA as ticketting clerk, later switching jobs from a firm to another. Thus, she managed to save some money to get herself a car and what nots. Their marriage was done in a rush and never approved by her mother (my maid's sister). After some misunderstanding (between the niece's husband and my maid's sister), they left the house and lived at her grandma's nearby.

Gradually, the husband showed his true colour. He now, controls her car, sending her to work and at other times asking her to take the bus whilst he uses her car full time, guiltlessly! They lodge at her grandma's without paying any pittance, not even for provisions. Since, the grandma has old issues with the girl's mother, the guy takes the opportunity to vilify his mother in law even more! He even forbids her from visiting her parents and if she defies, he'll give her hell of a time. On the times that she is back home at her mother's she'd gorge her food down as though she hasn't had any meals for months. She would also requests her youger sister (who has done well in studies and just started work as an engineer) to buy her favorite fast food (McDs and such) which she used to enjoy prior marriage. This really breaks her mother's heart! And now, unfortunately (as I see it) she is a few months pregnant! During raya she secretly went back to her mom's only to get some severe tongue lashing from him! Masyallah! Worst still, the latest I heard, she has pawned all her jewelleries, on his insistence.

It's truly mind-boggling to think that a man can shamelessly behave in this unbecoming manner! When a girl marries, she dreams of being protected by the man whom she calls husband. She dreams of a life being provided for. If he is rich, he'll shower her with wealth. If not, he'll do his best to make her comfortable. But when a man marries to only make the wife miserable and having the nerve to even take her belongings from her......now that is blatant wife-abuse!

Even as I sat listening to my maid narrate this sad, sorry, story, I was huffing and puffing, interjecting off and on, "eh, dahsyat nya!", "jahat punya laki!", "tak guna!","mintak cerai je la!". And mind you, my maid is no story-teller. But her facial expressions, her angry tones and palpable angst were enough for me to conclude that this was a marriage not meant-to-be! Suffice to say, after hearing it I was ready to clobber the guy on his head if I had the opportunity to be near him!

Haven't we heard enough of such stories where men abuse their wives mentally? How could these monsters walk around without any guilty conscience whatsoever? Don't they harbor the slighest emotions of pity towards their wives? Are they human in the first place?

Can a wife ask for 'fasaqh' in this sort of condition? I know, some would say that it's going to be difficult because he doesn't physically abuse her. But isn't this misery he had given her enough to grant one?

Being a doctor I am privy to many husband-wife tales which so often can be very repugnant and a bit hard to swallow. I have dealt with wives coming with bruises, hematomas and periorbital eodema, beaten severely by their husbands. Some would divulge with their marital problems, eventhough their initial complain was non-related. Recently I heard of a young wife whose husband wouldn't want to follow her back to her parents' place for her melenggang perut ceremony (she's pregnant with their first child) as it meant he had to spend raya there. So she had to hitch a ride in a friend's car. Imagine!

And for the umpteenth times, we've heard of men neglecting and even abusing their first wives the moment they are hooked with a second! Of course, I am not against polygamy. It's the men who practice it according to their whims and fancies that paint a bad name to it.

Each time I relate to iKelah, the misfortunes of my female patients and friends with regards to their abusive husbands, he would unfailingly point out that these are lessons from Allah swt for me. He would suggest that I 'muhassabah' myself and be grateful that I am being endowed with such a caring and thoughtful husband! (Ok, ok I get your point!)

My heart goes out for all the women who painfully suffer from abusive husbands.......